August 2008 Newsletter

This month we explore the Art of being successfully Assertive. Improve your approach by...

Standing up for your Rights: A Healthy Approach to Assertiveness

The Pillars of Assertiveness

The art of being assertive is the art of finding a balance. Many people think that being assertive is infusing a degree of aggression into their interactions. While for some the mere thought of confrontation is enough to evoke an attack of anxiety.

A healthy balance can be struck up no matter where you stand in the spectrum of assertiveness. Being assertive is a psychological state as well as a physical one and is derived from being able to read a particular situation and respond in a way that is neither unreasonable, nor passive. Here’s what you need know…

Fight the ‘fight or flight’

When we are confronted with a difficult situation that tests our boundaries the impulse of ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ is often automatic. While this biological safety mechanism may be very useful in some scenarios, it is often out of place in corporate or personal contexts, and can lead to a damaged outcome for all parties concerned. It is in these types of situations that a carefully considered, patient approach is a virtue.


The next time someone steps on your toes don’t become caught up in the tide of adrenalin that will either flood you with aggression, or have you trying to flea for the hills.

Instead stop and concentrate on breathing deeply – even if just for a few breaths. This will help keep you rational and will indicate to those in your presence that you are comfortable. Thinking before you react means that you don’t have to sit down afterwards and deal with thoughts like, ‘I really wish I had not said that.’

Voice

Breathing deeply is not only a sensible way to quell anxiety, but will also be mirrored in the way your voice tone carries and is received. Shorter inhalations mean that you are more likely to sound angry or nervous. Longer inhalations assist your voice in finding a natural equilibrium.

If you are taking deep breaths you are a step closer to forming a steady and controlled tone. People will unconsciously associate your voice tone with your emotional state and if you sound confident, without being patronising they will take you more seriously.

The rhetoric of resistance

Choose your words like you choose your close friends – with care.

Language moulds reality and largely shapes the perception of a situation. Your mind instinctively retrieves words that fit the emotion you are feeling at a certain point. If you crunch your finger in a door there is very little chance your next few words will contain more than one syllable, or would be acceptable in front of little children. Similarly succumbing to the language of raw emotion when being assertive is not always the best idea.

Accusatory tones or swearing when vexed do not make you successfully assertive. There is also less of a chance that the situation will ultimately resolve itself in your favour. To remain cool-headed means that you can still assert your position and increase the possibility of the other party understanding and sympathising with your view of the situation.

Avoid accusatory phrases like ‘You always…’ or condescending phrases like ‘You must...’ that could be interpreted as a command. An ability to focus on phrasing that is unifying such as ‘we’ and ‘us’ is more likely to construct a workable dialogue. Taking ownership of your feelings by saying ‘I feel that you…’ instead of ‘Everyone feels that you…’ will also help diffuse aggression and aid the possibility of a rational discussion of the issues at hand.

On the flip side of anger is rolling-over and submitting with phrases like ‘I’m sorry…’ without there being any obvious allocation of blame, or ‘Sorry to interrupt…’ when you are simply going to ask a question. Phrases like these will undermine your position.

Constantly placing yourself in a subordinate position means that you become subject to all of the whims of those around you that are willing to take advantage of your desire to please.

Mastering the monologue

That voice inside your head (hopefully it’s only one) is more powerful than most people will imagine. It can be your downfall as it undermines your best efforts with messages of failure and inadequacy, or it could push you to the finish line when you thought you had spent all that your body had to offer.

So in short – grow it to work for you. If you are conscious the voice in your head unfolding silently while you go about activities you can take steps to condition it to be an invaluable tool.

If lines similar to ‘I’m such an idiot…’ or ‘what’s wrong with me?’ are constantly running through your grey matter – it may be time to start being a bit kinder to yourself and nurturing dialogue that is reinforcing instead of destructive.


In conclusion…smack the lion on the head

The Khoi-san, an indigenous tribe in southern Africa, would study the prides of lions in their area to see when a new Alpha-male had taken command. Once the lion had established this position they would waste no time in sneaking up on the pride when they were asleep and beating the alpha male with sticks (apparently getting the wind direction right was quite important when doing this).

Although this sounds suicidal it would startle the cat so much that he would flee from the assault and steer his pride away from the Khoi-san for the rest of his reign. To date there are no recorded attacks of Khoi-san by lions.

Remember that avoidance may find you trapped in the jaws of your worst fears. If, however, you are willing to swallow your fear and assert your right to be respected you substitute doubt for security and unfairness for equality.

 

To find out more about you:unlimted's high caliber training click on Assertiveness Training or email linzi@you-unltd.co.uk

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Reclaiming Assertiveness: An Interview with our Consultant James Marshall…

James' facilitation at companies such as MTV, Channel 4, The Environment Agency and Citigroup has always yielded impressive results. We interviewed James to glean some useful tips on a healthy approach to assertiveness in business:

The concept of ‘assertiveness’ is quite subjective, how would you define ‘healthy assertiveness’?
It’s about washing away notions that if you stand up for yourself people won’t like you, or the world will come crashing down. As long as you’ve thought about the situation and you understand everyone’s rights then assertiveness is a fabulous quality.

It’s having the confidence to trust your feelings and judgement and act on them instead of holding back.

Some schools of thought propose that assertiveness has very little to do with what is said, but the way that something is said. Do you think this is a fair description?
Absolutely. I remember I made a programme for the BBC with Robert Winston called The Human Mind. We have evolved over millions of years to respond to body language and voice tone. Language came much later.

So your words may have the best intentions but if they are not supported by your voice, posture and stance, they aren’t going to be very effective.

Do you have any advice that for a healthy approach to assertiveness?
You’ve got to keep at it. I am not a naturally assertive person but I’ve learnt that life is happier when you are honest with people, particularly saying ‘no’ when you mean no.

People also prefer assertive people. It’s something I’ve had to learn, and I’m still learning, especially with British tradesmen who still run rings around me.

At what point to you think that assertiveness becomes unreasonable, or can be labelled as aggression?
When a person just thinks about themself, or values their own wants or opinions over someone else’s. Aggression is a learned behaviour, perhaps from childhood. It is often built on the idea that if you shout loud enough people cave in.

I remember we had a very aggressive neighbour when growing up and my grandmother used to say of him, “He wasn’t patted on the head enough as a little boy!”

Would you say that people, when faced with situations with which they do not agree,
are generally over-assertive, or too passive?
It depends on how long they have let the situation fester. Assertive people tend not to let situations get out of control. Preparation is the key, you have to think about these situations, or difficult people, before they arise.

In our training we make sure people practice using the right body language in a clear and calm manner. And to have some pre-thought as to what their bottom-line is and what they will not compromise on. If you follow these ideas more often than not you’ll get an instant reaction.

Who is the most successfully assertive person that you know and why?
My wife! She is honest with people, straightforward and speaks her mind. She’s easy to deal with and people like that. Assertive people are low maintenance.

Given that it is hard for some people to break out of patterns of behaviour do you think that assertiveness training can really reap discernable results?
Yes. These habits can be hard for some people to change but often they are learned behaviours that over time you can adapt. The key thing is to realise that you have rights in this world and being assertive means you are more likely to get what you deserve and that is so rewarding.

Are there any last thoughts that you would like to share with our readers?
I’ll leave the last words to Eleanor Rooselvelt, who wrote in her autobiography:

“Nobody can make you feel inadequate without your own consent.”

To find out more about booking  James for training at your company email  linzi@you-unltd.co.uk

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Herding Cats: Attend our Complimentary Taster Workshop

Learn how to herd cats.

Intrigued?

Herding cats is about managing challenging people at work.

This is the topic of our training taster workshop designed to give you a 90 min taster of what we do every day. You'll meet some of the you:unlimited team, mingle with other training and HR practitioners and discuss any specific training needs you have.

Apart from giving you a flavour of our training style, this workshop will also equip you with tried and tested techniques to help you improve communication with important and challenging individuals.

The next “Herding Cats” taster workshop will be running in central London from 9am – 11am on Wednesday the 24th of September 2008.

Spaces are limited, so if you are a Manager or HR & Training professional with responsibility for booking training contact linzi@you-unltd.co.uk or call on 020 7407 0044 and we’ll book spaces for you and / or a colleague.

Meow

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